Well, I have wasted the better part of this day browsing myspace and facebook and hardly replying to anyone. I think I miss Karen(not sure). I miss what I had hoped for, not so much as how things were. Don't miss sibs, parents. Worried that people at work will find out about my condition. Wish I could be lovable. Upset at bumping into K Neely at work, I should not put off apologizing/explaining why I am so weird at times. Maybe I should just be an enigma, I don't know. Haven't seen therapist in awhile d/t new job, bad time of year for it. No cards sent out again this year. I need to be friendlier. Frank and I are both rather isolated. God, I ask you into this isolation, and change us/it so we can be open, warm and connected with good people. I think I will clean my closet, and do a few cards tonight. Good plan

I made a long journal entry, tried to edit/spellcheck and lost it. Had alot to say about listening, validating myself, Christmas, all I "should's" I have on my plate. I thought the draft was saved, but can't seem to get it back.Shit.   Well,need to vacuum, should have done it this morning.  Gotta go.

My grandfather started raping not long after I turned three. I vaguely remember him pouncing on me from behind, raping me from behind while I was on my hands and knees. The pain was incredible, the fear incredible.He held his hand over my nose and mouth until I passed out. I was looking at the Christmas tree while I passed out. Mom and grandma put me  to bed angrily. I felt like I got in trouble for crying. They were mad at me, not grandpa.
    I would wait in front of our house and listen for cars, and feel abject terror when I heard a car come. I knew g and G would be coming, and I might get more of the same. I didn't feel happy before, but after g started I was very miserable.  Those poor animals being hung up and skinned is about as close to how bad I felt as I could describe it. Some of those videos were unbearable, somebody in me wanted to watch because that is how she felt. I hope those poor animals dissociated and got out of themselves. I don't understand how God could let a world be where those horrible things can and do happen to people and animals every day. I hope there is a special heaven for those animals. God put some on the ark, why doesn't he help us do more to prevent and stop the torture? How can people be so greedy that they can turn a blind eye to suffering? Oh Lord let me not be indifferent to the suffering. Let me be healed so that I can make a sanctuary for kids and animals. And a farm where animals can run run free and happy. Where chickens, turkeys, pigs, cows, goats, sheep, horses can be healthy and free. And kids can be loved and well fed and nurtured and given computers and taken to blazer games, and hockey games, and go to special places and be loved.
It would be alot to organize and I have problems with my little world. But I prayed to be enlarged and maybe this is what i will be enlarged for.
I want to make a sanctuary for animals and children and other people. Organic food growing. The horse and cow poo could be put on the garden. Rabbits,a nd chickens for pets. Those poor egg layers.  Too many people. 







 

Well, I got the job with good recomendations. I was very happy. Will be sad to not see some people, but most of the people I did not bond with. MS. LM.Some I did. Overall I did a very good job on PCU. I do feel sorta bad about yelling at J, but I should have just said what I needed to say a long time ago without letting things build up, not that I shouldn't have said anything. I feel good about things such a short time, then crap starts to roll in. I worry over every little thing.
    I feel like my life is on hold, or in aholding pattern. If things are going to change the way I want them to, then I guess I need to do something. It is just so dang hard when uyou have parts in your brain that don't communicate and I don't know how to make them communicate. I thought I had a revelation when I was in bed then I forgot what i was thinking. So, my gay man takes care of sexual feelings because my female self didn't dare feel sexual. And he has been in charge of my wardrobe. What does that mean? I am lucky that Frank hasn't run away from me. It would be hard to have your spouse dx'd with this DID. Figuring this all out is a long haul!
    My stupid parents and siblings.My mother didn't want me, which part of me is in charge or rejection?  My siblings ignored/rejected/picked on/beatup on me. Who is in charge of that? Grandma slapping me across the face on Christmas, did that req. a whole new character,or was that absorbed into somebody else? I would guess the rapes by grandpa are dealt with by somebody, but who? And all the police, I saw their faces in my sleep, big bruisers, not pleasant or atractive looking. And just who and what do they police? They helped me do things I didn't want to do but had to do. I have a mom and a grandma in me-what are their functions? My feeling like I was going to be thrown away, who handles that. Who is it that likes school(all of them-got us away from FOO).  Who actually helps me study and remember that stuff?  who decided I should leaarn to sew/knit/crochet/craft? Was that something I wanted to do or was that a distraction. The TV face, statica, helped keep me from thinking about things that would lead me to learn about reality.  What a strange way to live, in denial, repression, emotional vacuums.  How do I feel about Naomi, will I be gettinga new therapist? I have such a hard time relating to people. What about Leslie, would I be a full blown lesbian if not for the police?  What about my kids, are they in hibernation? And the artistic side of me-did I do crafts to  prevent the actual expressio of my true inner self? I think so. Knitting is a pleasant way to distract myself from what I really feel and think.

    Why did I end up watching all those videos on animal abuse? I sortof know how they felt. I too was just hoping I would die. Misery so intense there is nothing left to fight back with. That is how they all made mefeel, intensly miserable. Eventually I will have to face those people again on some level.
    Why do I keep looking at K's my space page? And why have I written those letters to K N and B without mailing them?
    I didn't start thinking about Thanksgiving until way late. I'm glad I will not be eating turkey this year. I will make a nut loaf. And will eat vegetables. I will clean on thursday, cook thurs eve, and am.  It should be a nice day.

    Who is the old cow and what is her function, and does the cow have anything to do with our first sterr, and me feeding the baby calves in the morning. What is the purpose of the old cow? And why can't I learn about myself? Will I find out if I write with my own hand on paper and then use my left hand?
    Why did I not turn out to be cruel? What has happened to those who are? How could anyone work in any of the slaughter houses? Why does God let it go on? I can't seem to pay a tithe, I am selfish, how can I change myself to be a biger help to those who are suffering? It is not enough that I don't cause so much suffering,I need to quit focusing on fashion and stuff. This is obviosly somebody other than Tom speaking. Who made me poo my pants when I got close to doing something/buying something I really wanted? A protective measure. I think if I had to feel myself and be able to connect all my dots I would have gone mad there. So, I stayed sane but repressed. Now, what am I to do? How I I recapture myself and keep my sanity? How do I become what I really want to become?  How do I appreciate the good things that I have in me and build on those? Who is in charge of that stuff? Who is the one who is so naively idealistic? Who loves dogs? Who ignores them? And when I smashed stuff in the kitchen, what happened with whom that day? Who helps me function now, and how do I keep myself doing
a good job at work?
    Who is it that lets me be friends up to a point and then flits away?
    When and how shall I talk to claudia? Who used to make kists, and why don't I any more?

    I think I should pay silkies off, then write out the letters to Karen and betsy and get that off my chest. Then I should find save the animal cards for christmas, will I send some out this year? A cause I can believe in. It will be lke taking care of myself.

I have an interview tomorrow for stress testing at KSMC. I should be very relaxed and confident but part of me is nrevous. Nrevous that people will find out about me, important people.  I'm not nervous about my performance, but worried that I will give myself away.  Someone in there is a blabber mouth, and some one in there is afraid of the women cardiologists. If they upset me I will talk about it here, with Naomi, Frank, my other friends. I would like to see Tim and Marianne, Marianne Shanks, Ed and Anne Gaines, Suzanne.  I am very sensitive about making other people feel uncomfortable, and I do that sometimes, then I cringe. Bekah is aloof often, as is Rhonda. The new nurses are so uncomfortable they aren't any fun. I am standoffish appearing when I have my guard up I think. Shyness comes off as aloof. Bekah sometimes acts so coneited, it pisses me off a little. I am going to be me, with all my parts, and enjoy myself.  Maybe I'll bring food up for PCU people once in awhile, cookies or something.  Crap, I gotta go to work. I should do this instead of looking all over the internet looking for God only knowa what. I need to make better use of my time in the truck, need to listen to books, poetry.  I need to make an account and buy some poetry and stuff that I was looking at last night.  Well, better go!

Oh, I should write down that I figured out that the gay male part of me is there because I couldn't bear to let the female part of me be sexual. Did he come to be when I got feelings for Robbie Gerig? (Does it matter?)  So, I wish sometimes I was like a barbie doll, and had no genitals st all, everything else would look and be OK, but I wouldn't be sexual.


Gotta go to work.
Love you Emily. Bye for now.

    So, was really excited about election results, so surreal, sometimes can still hardly believe the great results. This birthday I started to accept that I am in the world. I have previously not liked Topaz because it is my birthstone, I realized I did not like it because I did not like myself, or myself being on this planet. My mother communicated that to me before I was even born. I was born lonely. It has been so hard facing all this awful information, it is hard to process it, even harder to acknowledge it.  I sometimes wonder what my foo thinks about me now. Do they have some honest inkling of why I am no longer around? Are they angry with me, or what? My sisters I'm sure don't care, Janet is no doubt thinking "more $ " for her when the folks die. Carolyn, I have never been important to her, nor to Greg, other than someone to make fun of. Janet aND gREG TAUNTED ME THAT i WAS ADOPTED, cAROLYN DIDNOT SPEAK OR MAKE EYE CONTACT. I was miserable and lonely growing up. Was quietly desperate to be accepted, to be shown that I mattered, that I as wanted. How does this stupid cursor keep getting in the wrong place?
    So. now I am starting to accept my childhood, and realize that God took pity on me, and got me out of there, and gave me a new life. It has been good that I lived a good life and did not get involved in crime or drugs, or prostitution. Why did he do that for me and not Leota Gilbert?  So I am thankful, yet aware that I still have much work to do. I am still a people pleaser, have a hard time being in contact with what I am feeling and what I should do with those feelings. i am able to talk some about my life. I wonder if I should write a book about it or go to midwife school? I could be Cory's doulah with very little training. I think I should go to work on L&D at Kaiser and get them to pay for my schooling. Am I ready to start that? How dod I get all this ickiness out of me without falling apart or doing something stupid? Dear God, I ask that now, to complete my therapy without falling apart or doing anything stupid. I want to complete therapy and get more and more healthy and whole and cool magnificent as I go along. I want to be present, andgood to myself and the people around me.I need to fill my heart and mind with good stuff and dish that out, not be passive aggresive. Honest and real and strong. Face my flaws and ask for God's help. God, please give me all the information I need to do this. Please give me everything I need to do this. Please help me to write the letters I need to to the people I need to.

To Karen Neely:
Dear Karen,
    This letter is long overdue. I just dropped off the planet in a way ,& I need to write a letter of apology. I have been going to therapy to help me deal with a miserable childhood. I had a grandfather who was a sadistic pedophile. He told me if I told he would kill me. In third grade I wrote a story that was about the abuse and gave it to my teacher. My mother was called in and I got the same threat from her. So, all my life I have had trouble getting close to people because basically I have had a death threat over my head. So, I have finally realized I have had this pattern of making friends, then I move or change jobs to ensure that I can't get too close. And facing up to this all has been alot harder than I expected. For one thing, some of the friends that I have told about the sex abuse no longer want to around me. So, it was reject or be rejected, or disappear before I had the chance to be rejected. I see how over the years I just tried to fade into the woodwork, and was not even conscious of what I was doing.
    Anyway, I have a string of people in my life that are really great people that I have just up and disappeared on, that I want to at least give an explanation to. You have never done anything to offend me in any way, I have had this problem that I was not dealing with directly. And I wanted you to know that I have always liked you and am sorry if I have hurt or offended you by not being friendly. You are really a great person,and I remember our get togethers at La Provence with fondness.
    This is all rather embarrassing, the history itself, and how long it has taken me to really face up to how I've dealt or not dealt with it. My family of origin and I no longer speak because I am no longer willing to pretend that the abuse didn't happen, and they don't want to deal with it. The whole process has been a real struggle. But, I need to be truthful.  I have had no idea of how to explain why I just dropped out of sight without just stating the facts. So here they are, and I feel better getting this off my chest. I don't know what I expect to happen next, I am sending out a group of these letterd on one day, will just let the chips fall where they may. I hope this finds you and your family well.
                                                                                                                                Take care and God bless,
                                                                                                                                 Emily
   

So today I woke up feeling just OK, then after I got coffee I thrememberedthat I had a whole other hour before going to work, A jolt of JOY! Unwound some yarn, then watched funny videos of the campaign. Thinking about getting a new position at KSMC, do I want to do that , or should I stay put and focus on going back to school, to be a midwife with my daughter. I shall pray for guidance. Then I worry if my background will be a hindrance, trying to get integrated and go to school. I need to take a computer class and learn how to use these damn things better. That would be cool. I really am so sick and tired of C. Diff, and confused old people. I maybe should have a better attitude, but I want something different and better for myself. I want to learn and grow, not just circle around the same old stuff. I am feeling better about myself at work, not so self conscious, I am grateful for that. I am glad that I know I can do this hard job. I don't want to go into ICU nursing, I want to learn and get better but not at something that is so stressful and drains the life out of me. I feel like a midwife is something I would be good at. I need to be more proactive and get going. I don't know if we can afford to have me go back to school, maybe I can get a grant. Oh God, that seems almost too good to be true. I need to study this.
    My birthday is not seeming so awful now,I would like the awfulness of it to turn around and be a good thing.
     I am grateful for nursing, and I am glad to have gotten out of the house and developed some skills. Thank you Jesus. I am not perfect, but I am good. I am a good person and a good nurse. I have some problems, but I am working on them, and if I look at things right it can be an advantage to me to have the background that I have had in my career. I certainly can be sensitive to those who have been abused. Maybe I can offer my services to the criminal system and deliver women who are in prison or jail, women who have been abused. That would be gratifying.Oh Lord, I would like to get out of the hospital and work at something more gratifying, something where I have a little more control in setting the atmosphere and the personal connections.
     How I feel about having had an abortion, having been badly abused, how I feel about Jesus forgiving me and giving me a new life, having had Cory on the same day that I would have had the aborted baby. It is all book worthy really. It could all get wrapped up in a new career.
    Well. need to got to work. For once I have a strong sense of hope instead  instead of feeling bad.

So, lost my other entry, hope it totally disappeared. Recap: saw therapist yesterday, talked about BD coming up and how it is a painful reminder how unwanted I was (am). After session cried, realized someone in me just wants to be loved by mother(and  rest of family). Cried. Didn't (couldn't) stay in that emotional state, but didn't tuck it away as far as I used to . Bumped around Portland for a few hours, ate lunch, bought stuff at Stella's for Bud. Managed to avoid buying crap for myself to make myself feel better. Ended up in Multnomah Village, went to favorite boutique, got bead stuff, then bracelet for Ero, then back to boutique, owner and I have same birthday, we made friends on MYSpace, as I did with the lady who makes alot of the clothes she sells. Bought some stuff for Cory. Felt better. Can't really just go do nice stuff for self, what I REALLY  want. Therapist enc. me w/ words about not letting barriers down too fast. Need to go slow and figure out why each alter is there, what their purpose is. I had such a hard time trying to get those kind of  thought s in my head when I was seeing Dr Scott. So, I bumped arouns wednesday, didn't do much better today at home. Spent  alot of time on net looking at myspace, facebook sites. Did'n't get dressed today. Did mop and wax the kitchen floor, Frank cooked dinner. Talked to Cory on phone, she wants to go to nurse midwifery school and set up practice with me and Amy. How exciting! I think God is answering some prayers. I have been wanting to work in some field of nursing besides hospital nursing, and I haven't wanted to do anything on my own because I need to be with people, even if on a superficial level. So, it would be great to work with someone who I love and trust, and have a great relationship with.I like my misspell: realationship. I may have to use that. I need to get my stuff ready for Ero tomorrow, and I need to be back by 1530-1600. Good, don't want to drag things out. Gotta go do stuff.

    I got close to some feelings earlier today, fiddled with my knitting to get away from them. I had been looking at my myspace page, saw some artists, noted that others are far ahead of me in being in touch with themselves, studied them. I really like artistic people, I admire them getting them selves and their stuff out there, and I have been so afraid, cloaked, hidden, disguised for my whole life. Still afraid to find my real self, get in touch with it , let alone express it. I really appreciated the artist from Peru's blog about self acceptance, it really hit the nail on the head about where I am. And I am stuck working as a nurse 'cuz Frank and I are saddled with these houses and our stuff, and it is OK but sometimes I wonder what would happen if we through caution to the winds and lived our creative lives. Scary. I like many things about our life and take parts of it for grated. I should learn to be content. I don't like many parts of my job, but I do need to be out and about with people. That is good for me. I like many of the people that I brush up against and work with. I need to call Chrisy, I feel bad that I didn't know she was so sick, and in the hospital for a week. Scary. Harley has scabs, I need to wa
sh him with something to get rid of them, stupid cheap dog food, now his skin is screwed up.
    Now I buggered up my page, don't have time to fix it.
    I as thinking earlier about mother holding the pillow over my face until I passed out. And Carolyn. How many times did they do that I wonder, no wonder I am so filled with fear. I should give myself some slack. No wonder I am so bottled up, and have such a hard time expressing myself, I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO FEEL OK ABOUT BREATHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    IT WAS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY FAMILY WISHED THAT I DIDN'T EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY MOTHER HATED HAVING ME AROUND!!!!!!!! MY PRESENCE WAS MORE THAN A BURDEN TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I have spent most of my 53 years wising I didn't exist, and since I couldn't make myself invisible, I kept myself as small as possible, as quiet and unobtrusive as possible.
It feels good to finally be finding myselfand getting it out there, scary also. Many feelings, because I have    MULTIPLE PERSONALITY FUCKING DISORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it that I have this, and I still have to keep that under wraps. Someday, I fear, somebody in there is going to spill the beans, and then I will have a shitty time at work.

Lord, help me please.  Don't let me speak prematurely. Or not at all. I need to speak in the right places at the right time. Help me to do that. 
Thanks.    :)


gotta go get ready for work. Please be with me and help me do a really good job today. I loveyou. Sorry I didn't read the bible today, I am so enjoying the myspace stuff. bye for now!          
   

~Write about the ways you are affected by the abuse.
~What are you still carrying in terms of your feelings of self worth, your work, your relationships, your sexuality?
~How is your life still pained, still limited?

~Write about the strengths you have developed because of the abuse.
~What are the qualities that enabled you to survive, to make it? Perseverance? Flexibility? Self-sufficiency? Write about your strengths with pride.


The main way I have been affected is this friggin' disorder-DID. It was nec.for me to survive, now I have to re-do it all to get past just surviving and start to live, to feel the up and downs and to enjoy the good parts. I have at least 20 different parts(altars, identities, what have you). Imagine closing in on 50 and really realizing I could have a book written about me like Sybil!! And all those lovely memories coming back at unexpected times, the nightmares, staying away from my FOO, but not having anything to replace them. Stress and loneliness. But, on the flip side, a great husband who has stuck by me and REALLY loves me. Two great kids in college who were not rattled by my dx. A job that is good. Insurance to help pay for therapy. Validation that staying away from FOO is a good thing, no matter who understands, approves, or not. Realizing that I can say to myself over and over and over to myself and anyone else who wants to listen that alcoholics don't have their AA meetings in bars for a good reason, same reason why I don't hang with my family. I do miss Karen, Dave, Josh. Or I miss what I hoped to have with them. Both I guess. I do not miss parents or siblings.

How am I affected? I am a self imposed orphan, which has it s pluses and minuses. I am learning to accept that I have needs, and that it is OK for me to take care of myself. A big realization for 50 years of being on this planet.

I still almost(or do) crap my pants if I do something nice for myself. I am up to buying clothes foe myself at the 2nd hand store. This is the first time I have had clothes to pick from to wear, the first time I have had more than the basic minimum.

Being able to write in this journal is a big deal. I was too afraid before. Afraid within myself, afraid of my past looking over my shoulder and hurting me again in the same old painful ways.

Choosing to not letting fear of family keep me from being on Myspace and Facebook.

For the first time I have not changed jobs because someone got close to me.

I have bad posture because of the fear,self- loathing, anger, denial I have carried around for decades.

I don't know how to enjoy life. I've spent the last 50 years hiding from it, distracting myself from reality through busyness, work, reading, hobbies, anything (although I did have for the most part positive addictions-books, yarn, beads, church, running) to keep my mind away from how I felt and what I really knew deep down about my childhood. Hallelujah, I have very few regrets about what I have done with my life. A few regrets about what I haven't been or done, I can still remedy most of that. God-Jesus - has led me well!

Every breath I took was motivated by abuse-trying to be good enough to be accepted by my FOO. Nothing was good enough. It didn't matter what I did, good or bad, I was never going to be accepted. And that because everyone was/is in such denial, hearts are blocked. We all lived in a world of pretense and denial. If noone could admit that I was unwanted and abused, how was any of it going to change or be healed? I have heard from many sources-just get over it. Look to the positive. I think that did help me to lead a good life, but how can I get over something that is essentially in every fiber of my being? It was what I was made up of.  A facade of denial and pain. And besides, DID is not something to try and get over by yourself. It would be like someone with cancer in a major car wreck saying they can fix themselves. The people I know who tried to cure their own cancers are now DEAD. I want to live. I don't even know where that desire comes from, but it is there.

I am overweight. I think about mother and I want to eat. The only thing that has kept me from morbid obesity-the need to be invisible. Can't be too fat, too thin, too much inshape. Can't be anything thing that would draw attention to myself. Can't be too good to myself

Just learning that I have a self and that I CAN love myself, and God loves my self, and that I don't have to keep myself from myself. I am learning to enjoy myself.

I have spent many many many, way too many stretches of my life depressed. I see now, part of that was time/energy stuffing down anger and any other feeling I had growing up. Had to stay in "oatmeal"in the middle. Bland, flavorless, textureless , tepid(at best) existence. No hate, no fear, no love, no joy. Superficial frustrations, superficial enjoyments, but deep thoughts, morbid thoughts always tugging at me. Little did I know all those years but looking at and acknowledging that dark side of myself was the door to my liberation.

Our dog and cats kept me sane. It is still easier for me to relate to dogs/cats than to people. If I weren't married I'd have a house full of them.

I still tend to hold my breath all the time and have cold hands and feet.

I just can't get myself to let myself do things I really want to do, like: yoga, bible reading, church attendance, involvement, charity work, sewing. Do something with all those beads and fabrics I have accumulated. Travel. Learn spanish. (with that one I remember thinking: "that would make me too successful and they will write me out of the family for sure.)

I am just now beginning to wear clothes I like and that are fun.

Fear has been the main motivation of my life. Fear of rejection. Fear of people getting close (and finding out about me, and then mom or grandpa would kill me). Fear for my life. Fear of being seen. (not a good thing for me in my family). Fear of feeling my feelings.

Sexuality-where do I begin on that one?  That will need a whole journal entry itself. Being a person with a fractured set of identities and one gay male, one lesbian, and more males than females, many children, two older women-whew!  How do I even begin to sort that out? I don't even know the exact causes for any of them yet-I'm just figuring out that they are there, that they switch places, that they have conflicting needs and wishes. It is easier to just shut that whole area down, which is what I have done for many years. Or I spent alot of time masturbating, having sex with myself and my imagination. That got old after awhile. I always felt kind of dirty afterwards. A physical release, but not an emotional enhancement. I'm not doing that much anymore, and I'm not even sure of the exact reasons for that. I remember feeling/knowing that i was sexually perverted (which I thought meant I was a pervert) as far back as the third grade. 

I don't pray on my knees because that was grandpa's favorite position. God absolved me from that before I even consciously knew why. Thank you God for that.


I was raped the first time just after I turned 3. Grandpa took me from behind, I was on my knees. He held his hand over my nose and mouth to keep me from making noise. As I passed out I was staring at the Christmas tree. December has always stirred the feelings of that day up in me, although for many years I wasn't really sure where they came from. What is weird about DID is that, i had that strange feeling every December, being upset, stressed over something, but I tried to hide from it instead of examining it. Part of me knew about what was in me, but the rest of me covered it up, or tried    to. I was hiding from myself and the truth without really knowing that I was hiding from myself and the truth, but when the curtain was finally drawn back from the window, there was definitely a sense of knowing the truth, that was overwhelming, and yet a relief to get to it at the same  time. Unfortunately, I need to go through that same scenario over and over. I have many painful truths to face, and to face down. I am building up the strength to do that.

My life has been half full, but the water was polluted. My entire existence has been damaged, limited, stunted by abuse-sexual, emotional, and physical. I am grateful for my physical health, the mental health I do have, the spiritual life God has graced me with. I did more with my life than I would have otherwise I believe because I was abused and neglected.  I do not believe I would have made it through nursing school without my ability to dissociate from myself. I now have a passion for recovery, developing my emotional side, my relationships with people, something I didn't have before. I have desires to get better to help those in need. So many people can't/don't want to hear about sex abuse. IT IS SO STINKING COMMON!!!!! We, the survivors need a parade, bigger than the breast cancer survivors! I have a passion to do that. I need to get connected with

people to make that happen.  

So, now i have a new purpose in life. Love God, LOVE MYSELF, and love my neighbors (that have been abused in particular).

Well, here I go. I tried to start this on another blog site and lost the address to get back to it. I don't think I was ready to write about my childhood, or get that close to my feelings. So, I shall start now. I'm hoping no one reads this, but for the first time, I am not afraid if they do. I was really trying to get onto brokenspirits.com, and at their suggestion I hit the panic button to see how it works, and found this site in my search to get back on the other site.  So, instead of talking to other incest survivors, I'll talk to myself.  I'll get onto that other site eventually. Right now I'm wanting to clean my room, or sew, or look at myspace, or facebook, or any number of things, BUT delve into my childhood. If I go into any part of it I will dive into a sea of misery and loneliness. I really don't know how I stayed sane. Mother didn't want me, father didn't want me, siblings picked on me, taunted me that I was adopted, Carolyn didn't look at me or make eye contact  or speak to me until her senior year in high school. Grandpa raped me repeatedly, grandma didn't like me or want me either. "Should have been a boy..." Dog was the only warm blooded thing around that was nice to me. Ate the cow we befriended. You would think dad would have seen that one coming.  So, bible tells me to give thanks in all things. How do I give thanks when I wish they had killed me, that mom would have aborted me. It is hard to view life as precious when you are so unwanted and treated so badly. People have been so awful to each other over the years, and we are overpopulated, it seems to me that life can be awfully cheap, and miserable. Easy come, easy go. What is precious about that?

The next time I get on here I will use the writing exercises from "Courage to heal."growfree